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You Might Be a Southern Baptist If…

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My family has been Southern Baptist back before there was such a thing as “Southern Baptists.” Because I’ve recently joined a United Methodist Church, I went online and did a search for a list of “You might be a United Methodist if…” lists. I didn’t get most of them. So I decided to stick with this list. For those of you who might have read it a few years ago when I first posted it, you might notice a few additions/changes.

You might be (or were) a Southern Baptist if . . .

. . . you join a different church and tell people that you’ve “converted” to Methodism.

. . . the Methodists fight over you because they want you on their team for Bible trivia.

. . . you think God’s presence is always strongest in the back three pews.

. . . you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists.

. . . you believe you’re supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die.

. . . you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

. . . you think the new pastor who begs the congregation to say amen during his sermon is trying to turn your church Charismatic. (Can I get an amen?)

. . . you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that the “wine” referred to in the Gospels during the Last Supper was actually Welch’s grape juice.

. . . you can quote Robert’s Rules of Order but not the Ten Commandments.

. . . you’re certain that Jesus and the disciples ate fried chicken at the Last Supper.

. . . you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week.

. . . you woke up one morning craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.

. . . you have more than one copy of The Baptist Faith and Message—the original (and correct) version.

. . . you help put together a secret committee at your church to discuss how to get the pastor to stick to his thirty-minute time limit so that you don’t get stuck behind the Methodists in line at Luby’s or Piccadilly every week.

. . . you are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at Shoney’s, but not old enough to promote into the senior adult Sunday School department.

. . . you think the Holy Land is in Middle Tennessee. [isn’t it?]

. . . you feel the urge to stand up and sing the doxology after they take up a collection for a charity at work.

. . . you know that alien baptism has nothing to do with extra terrestrials.

. . . you think the general assembly meets before going to Sunday School classes.

. . . you can sing all six verses of “Just As I Am” without looking at the hymn book.

. . . your church has a preacher rather than a pastor, and HIS title is Brother rather than Reverend.

. . . you buy books written in Elizabethan English because the language is easier to understand.

. . . you think “mixed-bathing” refers to men and women swimming within sight of one another at the beach.

. . . you think “academic fellowship” means a bunch of professors having a get together after church, with food involved.

. . . you think “The Association” is an organization your church belongs to and a singing group. (also you are probably reading this through bifocals)

. . . you spent your formative years as a G.A., then an Acteen, and all you have to show for it is a cardboard crown and a painted stick with a star on it.

. . . you alternate your summers vacationing in North Carolina and New Mexico.

. . . people prefer to take you and your friend from church fishing at the same time so that they can have all the beer to themselves.

. . . you think a lecture on the Early Church refers to the 8:45 service.

. . . you throw a dollar in the offering plate at church and take out over fifty cents in change.

. . . your home life refers to something in your magazine rack rather than the quality time you spend away from work.

. . . the seminary your pastor attended took its name from a point on the compass.

. . . “where two or more are gathered . . .” there’s bound to be LOTS of food.

. . . you feel guilty putting your thumb over the edge of your Bible’s cover before the preacher has finished announcing where the sermon text can be found.

. . . you still refer to “Discipleship Training” as “Training Union” or “Church Training.”

. . . you know the pledge to the Bible and the Christian flag and are intimately acquainted with the intricacies of making key racks, pot holders, and anything out of egg cartons.

. . . you consider any music without shape-notes “contemporary.”

. . . in an emergency situation, when asked to do something religious, you take up an offering.

. . . you’re on 6 standing committees (including the Committee on Committees) and three have never met.

. . . you still call it “The Baptist Sunday School Board,” and “The Baptist Bookstore,” instead of “Lifeway Christian Resources.”

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Thursday, December 30, 2010 7:05 am

    The mixed bathing one just cracks me up. I grew up in an Assembly of God church, but went to school at a Baptist school….and SO many of these are ringing true!!

    Like

  2. Audry permalink
    Thursday, December 30, 2010 7:40 am

    . . . you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

    hahahaha 😀

    Like

  3. Thursday, December 30, 2010 8:55 am

    LOVE these, Kaye!! 🙂 About 10 years ago I “converted” to a Baptist church after being a Methodist all my life (and coming from a loooong line of Methodists). I’ve jokingly commented numerous times that I “shamed” my family when I left the Methodist church and joined a Baptist one! 😉 But I must admit….I’ve truly learned SO much about the Bible since becoming a Baptist. And I still remember after the very first Sunday we visited what is now our “home Church” my husband asked if I was craving fried chicken (which I actually was!). Then he “explained” that after a good Baptist sermon folks were supposed to eat fried chicken, LOL.

    Like

  4. Thursday, December 30, 2010 1:16 pm

    Some really funny ones, Kaye 🙂

    Like

  5. Thursday, December 30, 2010 7:07 pm

    . . . you feel the urge to stand up and sing the doxology after they take up a collection for a charity at work.

    That goes right along with feeling the urge to lead in prayer upon concluding a library board meeting . . .

    Like

  6. Sunday, January 2, 2011 5:44 pm

    The Association my grandparents belong to called their store The Baptist Bookhouse.

    Like

  7. Traci permalink
    Tuesday, January 4, 2011 10:52 am

    I was raised Baptist, still am, pretty much and my husband Southern, some of this stuff really cracked me up and some I had never heard of. Thanks for the fun look at our faith.

    Like

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