Why You Haven’t Seen Me Here | Or, How Deconversion Has Affected My Writing Journey
I posted some of this over on Threads (@kayedacus), but I used to have more of an audience here than I do over there. And I know I’ve probably already lost at least 50% of that audience just from the title of this post. But one of the main reasons why I know I have been unable to write for the past 10 years is because I’ve never dealt with this, and I need to.
As subscribers to this blog already know, my 11 traditionally published books are with religiously affiliated publishers and contain what I consider to be light inspirational content. When my first book came out at the beginning of 2009, I was already starting my deconstruction/deconversion journey—although I wouldn’t recognize it for what it was for a few years. By the time #11 came out in 2013, I was nearly fully deconverted. And not only did that publisher refuse to let me show the characters drinking historically accurate wine with their dinner, they also forced me to go back and add bible verses to the stories which I found to be uncomfortable and personally distasteful, as it wasn’t organic to the story, realistic to the characters, or palatable with my own deconversion-in-progress. Lucky for me, that publisher decided to stop putting out fiction, so they canceled the contract for the third book in that trilogy.
From 2013 until 2023, I hadn’t put more than a couple of story ideas down on paper. Because the one thing that I didn’t bring along with me in my deconstruction/deconversion was who I would be as a writer without being an active member in “Christian” writers groups. Just like I walked away from the only social group I’d really ever known as an adult (the church), I walked away from “my people” by leaving the “Christian” writing industry and community. I do still have connections with my grad school group (plug: Writing Popular Fiction at Seton Hill University), but I led an in-person writers’ group of (what grew to) 40+ people that met 2x/month for more than 10 years. It was traumatic for me to disband and walk away from that group when no one else would step up into the leadership role. And now I live in a city where there seems to be no interest in a face-to-face fiction writing group. I miss that camaraderie and especially the emotional and intellectual support from having a close group of writing friends and acquaintances like that. I miss mentoring up-and-coming writers. I miss teaching 2+-hour seminars on aspects of the craft of writing each month. I miss “my people.”
I’m trying to step up my communication on social media—between the Facebook groups for my grad school group and the writing community on Threads—in order to try to rebuild strong relationships with other writers, but it’s hard when I’m not actively pursuing the “indie writer” career path, which it seems like all the writers on Threads are. (I also haven’t been able to find a contingent of other writers of closed-door, mildly spicy historical romance. But there are tons of other genres/subgenres out there.)
I also don’t really talk about my published books anymore because I no longer believe in the religious worldview reflected in them. It’s not because I don’t still love and support all of my family and friends who still believe—I wouldn’t be able to call myself a humanist if I didn’t fully support every person in having the right to their own personal belief system—it’s because the worldview in those books doesn’t reflect who I am now and who I want people to know me as now. So I don’t talk about them. I don’t promote/market them.
But I think I’m also trying to block the years I spent writing them, the years I spent teaching writing within religious writing groups, the religious-language content I have right here on this blog from my memory. And I think that’s blocking my creativity more than anything else—denying myself from being proud of the fact that I WROTE 11 NOVELS that publishers liked enough to pay me for, whether they had religious content in them or not.
I know it’s unlikely anyone will read this entire post before unsubscribing, but I needed to write it all out and send it out publicly, just in case someone else is in the same boat. And because, before I do start putting any writing out publicly again, I need it known who and what I am/am not and what will/won’t be reflected in my stories from now on. I know a lot of people are probably scandalized/horrified that I no longer believe in a deity of any kind and that the worldview I align with is that of Secular Humanist. But that’s who I am now. I understand if you want to leave and if you won’t read anything I write from here on out. I won’t apologize for my journey, but I hope you will accept me for who I am and what I believe as I do you. (But I will mute/delete any proselytizing or abusive comments toward me or anyone else, if there are any.)
I guess the question that I’m struggling with, and for anyone who reads this far, is: How do I regain the pride in the books I wrote from a worldview I no longer subscribe to (and that makes me uncomfortable now) and keep that from blocking my forward progress with writing from now on?
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KayeDacus.com 
Kaye, First, hugs. Dismantling a belief system is traumatic and difficult and…well, so many things. I’m glad you’re comfortable with where you are now, despite how much you’ve had to go through to get there. Second, closed-door, mildly spicy historical romance is my FAVORITE! 😊 Third, I hope you do regain pride in the books you wrote. You may no longer subscribe to that view, but other people have found joy in your stories. You said yourself that publishers liked them enough to pay you for them, and that’s terrific. I would have to say that I have a hard time going back and re-reading my previous work, even when I do still align with the values therein. I just would rather work on something new than relive old work. I get that you would have a problem promoting them. That’s a tough one, because of course if there’s still a way for them to make you money, you should still promote them. But, well, maybe just make a clean break. You’ve had publishers pay you for work before—you can do it again. You could consider a pen name. That would mean essentially actually starting over, I suppose. But not really, since you could still point to your publishing history with another publisher and make the name change all about a shift in what types of things you’re writing now. I would say most publishers would want that name change, depending on where your writing leads you. I do think this is doable—you just need to shake off the blockades your brain is putting in front of you. (I know, I know, easier said than done…but it seems you’ve had more practice than most doing just that!) Your post certainly didn’t lose me. I’m not quite deconverted myself, but I am in the process of breaking up with my church (United Methodist)—probably forever—despite my love for my local congregation back in MD. I will be traveling the world in the coming year, and I suspect that will make the break complete. We’re human. We change, we grow…because that’s what we’re supposed to do. It sounds to me like you’re on the edge of a fascinating time of further growth and accomplishment. I will be watching to see where you go next. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help! Jen
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As Jennifer said, it’s really tough to change your worldview. And even tougher when people don’t understand.
I think you need to think of your previous books as representing who you were when you wrote them. You should be proud of it as an accomplishment. If you don’t want to market or promote them, fine. But don’t let them weigh you down.
Every writer’s point of view changes to one degree or another. I wouldn’t try to publish the stories I wrote a decade ago, as so much about me has changed since then. But by writing those stories, I gained a lot of knowledge about my craft. By focusing on the one good thing about them, I find it easier to deal with the fact that they were basically trash.
I’m also going to agree that a pen name is a great idea. It will create a barrier between those books and your new ones. And unless you become as big a celebrity as JK Rowling or Nora Roberts, I don’t expect anyone will go to the trouble of sussing out who you are IRL.
As for unsubscribing, I guess you’re stuck with me. Though I’m less active here than I should be, I’ll still be looking in on you from time to time. I hope you find that creative genius again. Your work can only benefit from the more encompassing point of view you’ve gained.
My very best wishes for success in the future.
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Hi Kaye,
I hope it’s not too weird to leave such a late reply as I just saw this post. I’ve actually been an occasional reader/lurker of your blog for years and years, but as a long-time secular humanist myself never felt like it was my place to comment in such a religious space.
I just wanted to let you know that even with a very different worldview I enjoyed your novels – not for the Christian content, but for the strong, older heroines, the lovely descriptions of food, the family dramas in the contemporaries, the Jane Austen flavour in your historicals, and the general cosy vibe. I also really liked learning about a very different perspective/lifestyle from my own (as a Godless Australian) but have to admit it did sometimes make it difficult for me to relate to the characters’ motivations and conflicts. Making such a big change in your belief system is (to me at least) very admirable. I think one of the reasons I liked your writing in the first place was that I could sense your open-mindedness.
I don’t know if I have any advice or solutions for your writing community issue – that seems to have become much more prevalent since Covid and I’ve struggled with it myself. But I do think that if you just wrote in a way that aligns with your conscience and beliefs (without worrying about what others think), the strengths of your writing and your voice would still shine through. You have nothing to be ashamed of in your former writing. People are allowed to change their views and I would hope most of us are at least a little different than we were a decade ago. I would imagine your experience puts you ahead of the game with new agents, having a clear record of publishing success, even if a pen name would probably be a good idea to attract the right readers and avoid a clash in reader expectations.
I’ve always admired the honesty of your blog posts – particularly around singleness and your writing struggles. That integrity alone is enough for me to buy any book you put out. Thank you for that – I hope you know you’ve made a lot of people feel less alone. I wish you all the best and I’ve got my fingers crossed for you (as well as myself, as I’d really like to read some more books from you one day!)
Thanks,
Amelia
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