More to (Not) Love
Last night, I watched the premiere episode of a new show on Fox (yes, I know, that should have been a red flag right there) called More to Love, which is basically a take-off of The Bachelor except with larger-sized contestants. Luke, the bachelor, is 6’3″ and 330 pounds (Fox has labeled him as “husky”). The women ranged in height from about 5’4″ to 6’2″ (yes, without shoes on) and had a weight range of 170 (on someone 5’4″) to 279 (she was 5’10”). The thinnest-looking woman was 5’10” and weighed 190. (As soon as I saw her, I thought: THAT’S what I want to look like in a form-fitting dress!)
Some of you may know, and others may have guessed: I cannot abide the whole idea behind the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows. To begin with, I cannot believe anyone can stand to watch that kind of shallow dreck for an hour every week—especially since it basically mocks the institution of marriage by having men or women compete with each other for the affection of just one person. All it does is set up the one doing the choosing as an idol they’re all trying to sacrifice themselves to. And then there’s my utter abhorrence of watching women throw themselves at a man because they’ve been led to believe he’s worth having (he was picked out of hundreds of thousands of applicants for the show, therefore he must be a great catch, right?). But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Now, obviously, since I’ve never deigned to watch any of the other shows like this, I wasn’t sure what to expect in the first episode. But it sure wasn’t the very awkward first meetings as he greeted each girl as she came out of the car. Yes, I know fifteen to twenty seconds isn’t going to get you beyond a “Hi, my name is…” kind of conversation; but the women’s shallow attempts to say something flirtatious were so cringeworthy, and his remarks to them were so gratingly patronizing (“I like your dress”—but only after one of the women asked him if he liked hers—-PUH-leez!), I ended up fast-forwarding through most of them. I was more interested in finding out who these women were.
As each one came out of the limo (most of them in strapless or spaghetti-strap dresses which were not necessarily flattering on them—let’s get real: big girls have big girls and need to be wearing BRAS!) and came forward to meet the big-bachelor, they showed a brief one-on-one interview clip of her talking about her experience with dating and men. Most of them have had relationship problems—either they’ve never been able to keep a boyfriend, have had boyfriends who were embarrassed to be seen with them, or, like me, have never had a boyfriend. One even mentioned never having been kissed before. That’s my girl. (But I don’t recall which one it was, so I don’t know if she was one of the first five kicked off or not, but I think she might have been.) Almost every single one of them cried or got emotional during this clip.
Then, once they were all in the house and he started making his rounds to speak to each of them for a minute or two before he decided which five to dump the first night (after giving each one a diamond “promise” ring which he said signified his promise that he would look past their outsides and get to know who they are inside), I was immediately transported straight back to junior high school—when, at a party, every girl’s attention was focused on the “popular” boy, and every girl did whatever she could to try to get his attention, whether it was kissing him when she finally got him alone or jumping into the pool fully clothed in front of him. This was where the show completely lost me—and where all of these shows lose me.
You know, it’s no wonder that the divorce rate is so high in our country and that young people bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship if these are the behaviors that have become the accepted norm from people. It’s go-all-out to hook the hottie without even finding out first if you’re compatible or if he’s someone you really would want to be with for the rest of your life. The idea of making an intellectual and emotional connection with someone has gone completely out the window. It’s physical first and foremost—with dignity taking the bullet and dying a horrible death, in this case in front of an audience of millions. And I have to wonder at these women who are fooling themselves into believing that this type of situation is a good incubator for real, true, abiding love or that the bachelor is going to be faithful to her after the end of the show when he’s just been spoiled by having twenty women throw themselves at his feet—especially since these shows have such a wonderful track record of couples with relationship that last past the final episode. But I digress, once again.
As I listened to the interview clips of these women that they played throughout the episode, all I could think of was how much worse off each is going to be after she leaves this show than before she got on it. Most of them got extremely emotional when talking about their past relationships (or lack thereof): the fact she didn’t get to go to prom; the fact that whenever she goes out with a group, men always flirt with her “skinny” friends but not with her; and that she’s tired of being overlooked or rejected and is afraid she’ll be alone for the rest of her life. I wanted to shake these women and scream at them: “What do you think is going to happen to you on this show? You’ll be rejected—because he can only pick one—and it’ll hurt worse because you’ve been given a false sense of a ‘relationship’ with him. You’ll have even worse self-esteem issues by watching this guy ‘date’ all the other women in the house in front of your very eyes. When he does finally reject you, it’s going to be on national television. And then all the bloggers and forums (especially places like Television without Pity) are going to tear you to shreds from the way you look to the way you dress to the way you talk to what you did ‘wrong’ that got you eliminated. You’re not advancing acceptance of plus-sized women. You’re just giving the American public another opportunity to laugh at us.”
OH! And I almost forgot . . . after the whole thing with giving them the “promise” rings—THEY HAD TO GIVE THEM BACK!!!! Because the rings are what he uses to indicate who’s staying and who’s going. Just goes to show how much a promise is worth these days. Though there were many things about the show that bothered me, I think that one bothered me the most.
This is why I write romance novels in which the hero and heroine have time to get to know each other before they “fall in love.” There’s a deep level of respect and honor between the characters that goes into each of the relationships I write about—because that’s the type of relationship I long to find. And even though they’ll usually find each other physically attractive initially, it isn’t the other person’s looks or the way that physical attraction builds that will form the foundation of their romance.
Am I jaded? Probably. Am I appalled? Definitely. Will I watch this show again? Absolutely NOT.
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KayeDacus.com 
Hooray for this post, Kaye! I hope some of the contestants come across it and take your encouragement to heart.
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I only hope they have therapists who are trained in helping women with body/self-esteem issues waiting to counsel these women as they’re systematically broken down and then rejected.
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I would be SHOCKED if they had any sort of counseling lined up. No reality show that I’ve ever heard of has really taken ownership for the situations they dump “contestants” in…there’s probably some sort of waiver they all have to sign anyway. *sigh* It’s very sad.
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You go, Kaye! I couldn’t even abide the commercials for this show.
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I have to admit, it was seeing a commercial for it that made me want to see what it was all about and how they’d handle the size issue. Not well, as it turned out.
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I have never, ever gotten the appeal of this type of show. Well said!
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Besides my personal dislike for this type of show, I don’t get why they’re so popular amongst Christians—the whole thing goes against everything we’re (or at least I’ve) been taught to look for in relationships leading to marriage.
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Yeah, I don’t get that either. I mean is it looked on as the modern day fairy tale or something? Yeesh…
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If that’s what it takes to find a husband these days, NO THANKS! I’d rather stay single the rest of my life.
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You know, it would be a great plot for a book….dating show vs. finding true love. 🙂 I’m so tired of the reality shows and all the hype.
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Don’t worry . . . I’ve had a “dating show” book idea running around in my head for a few years now. That was all I could think about last night!
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Well Said. Finding love isn’t an instant connection or a physical attration. Finding love, true love, takes time and commitment and getting past the surface to the very soul of who you are. There is no way that in 20sec here and 2 minutes there of the course of a few weeks you can truly find love, lust, maybe, but not LOVE!
Keep you eye on God and the rest will fall into place!
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While I would love to find “Mr. Right” and perhaps get married one of these years, I’ve learned to be content with the life God’s given me. As long as I have companionship—in whatever form it comes—I’m satisfied. The rest would be “gravy.”
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Great post, Kaye. I didn’t watch the show but was more than a little mortified at the premise.
I’m sorry, but “Promise to look on the inside”. What kind of garbage is THAT? Why not look on the outside, too? Why not appreciate a larger woman’s beauty, especially if she’s taken pains to look nice? No woman wants to be seen ONLY for what’s on the inside, or ONLY what’s on the outside, and good men consider both (and, according to research, are much more lenient about our bodies than we are…considering us far more attractive than we rate ourselves).
Okay…I’m done now. 🙂 Thanks for this great post.
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The whole “look inside” thing was compounded by the fact that he did overkill on repeatedly saying how beautiful everyone was, whether individually or to them as a group—to the point where it was hard to tell if he was trying to convince them or himself (or the viewers). The majority of them were quite beautiful, but his repeatedly saying it actually made it sound like they weren’t. And I cannot imagine a bachelor on one of the shows where everyone’s skinny having to say, “You’re all beautiful” so many times throughout the course of the first episode. But they could have at least let the dumped women keep the diamond rings (and they’re probably not real diamonds, anyway) as a consolation prize. If nothing else, if they were real, they could have pawned them off for a hundred bucks.
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It keeps getting worse, doesn’t it? I bowed out of reality TV when those home video shows started showing people getting hurt, as though it was funny.
This is a great post, Kaye. You articulated beautifully what bothers me so about these shows.
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I love the competition shows like Amazing Race and Top Chef in which the competitors are using their skills to try to win a prize (well, I like them as long as they aren’t trying to sabotage each other, which does occasionally happen in Race). But the shows that are based around trying to see how catty all the female competitors can be and wallowing in the dregs of the contestants’ baser emotions really turns me off!
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It is pathetic, isn’t it? My husband and I fell in love somewhat quickly and knew we would get married long before we actually got engaged, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t work. We just had a deep sense that we were who God intended for each other, but He never said “Now here’s the easy part.” We still have to work to see each other’s point of view when we disagree and work to make sure we make each other a priority in our busy schedules…NONE of which comes through on a reality show, NONE of which dawns on any of these people until later. There’s a reason these “relationships” don’t work out and yet they keep trying to make them…
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Oh, I believe real love can happen quickly. As a matter of fact, one of the (few) men in my local writing group just shared with us Saturday his story of when he met his wife—that he knew by the end of their first date that he was going to marry her. And, there’s a history of short romances in my family—my grandparents married just two or three months after their first date, and my parents met at the beginning of the first semester of graduate school and married that December.
I figure if I ever do meet the right man, one of two things will happen: either there’ll be that “whirlwind” romance (meet/marry within just a few months) or it’ll be something that grows over time with someone I get to be friends with first. Still waiting to see which happens. 😉
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Speaking only for myself, I definietly prefered the growth of Romance over the whirlwind. For my husband and I an awkard meeting turned into a friendship that cultivated into a romance. It gave us time to really know each other beyond the attraction and infactuation. Quite honestly it also prepared us to handle the hard times after we were married. Nothing like facing trials with your BEST friend at your side.
I remeber praying for “Mr. Right” when I was in college because I thought that was the next step in my plan….little did I understand at the time that God’s plan had already put the right guy in the right place and I just need better vision to see him. AMAZING how God know just what we need and when we need it. 🙂
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I admit to watching a few seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, at first intrigued but eventually saddened. Love is a powerful emotion but so are infatuation and lust. So it’s not surprising that these folks experience very strong emotions in such a short period of time. I too hate that the women throw themselves at this guy–which to me seems to be the case even when the woman is doing the choosing–and wonder how any of them figure this is a great way to find their lifetime mate.
I’ve got a dating show story rolling around in my head too, Kaye. Wonder what will come of it…
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Hey–maybe we could put together an anthology or series proposal: Dating Show Realities!
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You are so right, Kaye. The idea that anyone finds these amusing is so sick.
“You know, it’s no wonder that the divorce rate is so high in our country and that young people bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship if these are the behaviors that have become the accepted norm from people.”
And it’s not just this show…they start them when they’re tweens. Sorry, I just have a major problem with the average tween show on Disney or the other channels. It’s all about snagging the hot guy and who’s the gal with the most fashion sense. Come on, these are SIX-to-EIGHT-year-olds who are watching this stuff. And then we wonder why they have problems later? Off my soapbox now…
It’s the reason why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. I want to wait for real love through a steady relationship that’s more than whether he’s hot or whatever. I’d rather know that he’ll stand by me and that we’re compatable than whether he’s cute enough to be on the front of a magazine.
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I thought you were married and I agree completely. It’s awful, and the sad part is it builds an idea in the viewer’s mind that that’s acceptable, and it’s not.
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I despise all these dating shows. They’re based on lies, and nothing that is based on a lie has any hope of surviving. The only reality show I’ve ever really enjoyed is Project Runway.
I didn’t date growing up. My parents decided early on, when I was still just a child, that we would do a Biblically based model of courtship. Everything had to go through my dad. He also reminded me that my heart is not mine to give away. It belongs to him until he hands it over to my husband. When you’re raised to take that kind of thing seriously you end up much happier IMO.
My husband is the first and only man I’ve ever kissed. But even that didn’t happen till the night he proposed.
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That is so awesome, Rachel. I feel the same way. 😉 It’s so encouraging to meet “courting” gals who ARE married…it can be done! 😉
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