Fun Friday: “You Might Be a Southern Baptist If…”

I mentioned to someone last night that my family has been Southern Baptist back before there was such a thing as “Southern Baptists,” which reminded me of this list that started out as twenty or twenty-five items when someone forwarded it to a member of my family. You’ll notice we extended it to forty items.

You might be a Southern Baptist if . . .

1. you believe you’re supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die.

2. you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

3. you have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

4. you think someone who says “amen” while the pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.

5. you complained because your pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.

6. you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week.

7. you woke up one morning craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.

8. you think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles.

9. you are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at Shoney’s, but not old enough to promote into the senior adult Sunday School department.

10. you think the Holy Land is in Middle Tennessee. [isn’t it?]

11. you feel the urge to stand up and sing the doxology after they take up a collection for a charity at work.

12. you know that alien baptism has nothing to do with extra terrestrials.

13. you think the general assembly meets before going to Sunday School classes.

14. you have a sister named Lottie or a brother named Adoniram

15. you can sing all six verses of “Just As I Am” without looking at the hymn book.

16. your church has a preacher rather than a pastor, and HIS title is Brother rather than Reverend.

17. you buy books written in Elizabethan English because the language is easier to understand.

18. you think “mixed-bathing” refers to men and women swimming within sight of one another at the beach.

19. you think “academic fellowship” means a bunch of professors having a get together after church, with food involved.

20. your church celebrated your pastor’s thirtieth birthday and his fifteenth anniversary as an ordained minister all in the same year.

21. you think “The Association” is an organization your church belongs to and a singing group. (also you are probably reading this through bifocals)

22. you spent your formative years as a G.A., then an Acteen, and all you have to show for it is a cardboard crown and a painted stick with a star on it.

23. you alternate your summers vacationing in North Carolina and New Mexico.

24. people prefer to take you and your friend from church fishing at the same time so that they can have all the beer to themselves.

25. you think a lecture on the Early Church refers to the 8:45 service.

26. you throw a dollar in the offering plate at church and take out over fifty cents in change.

27. your home life refers to something in your magazine rack rather than the quality time you spend away from work.

28. the seminary your pastor attended took its name from a point on the compass.

29. “where two or more are gathered . . .” there’s bound to be LOTS of food.

30. you feel guilty putting your thumb over the edge of your Bible’s cover before the preacher has finished announcing where the sermon text can be found.

31. after joining the church, your box of offering envelopes arrives in the mail before the pastor’s letter welcoming you as a new member.

32. you have several, years-old boxes of such envelopes but are afraid to throw them out lest you have nothing to turn in at Sunday School to prove your attendance.

33. after 30 years of marriage, you are still dividing up into “girls” and “boys” classes for Sunday School.

34. you still refer to “Discipleship Training” as “Training Union” or “Church Training.”

35. you know the pledge to the Bible and the Christian flag and are intimately acquainted with the intricacies of making key racks, pot holders, and anything out of egg cartons.

36. you consider any music without shape-notes “contemporary.”

37. you know that Robert’s Rules of Order were written by Robert the Maccabee, moderator for the Disciples Business Meetings and caller for the Quorum.

38. in an emergency situation, when asked to do something religious, you take up an offering.

39. you’re on 6 standing committees (including the Committee on Committees) and three have never met.

40. you still call it “The Baptist Sunday School Board,” and “The Baptist Bookstore,” instead of “Lifeway Christian Resources.”