Which to quote?
Due to the yo-yo nature of the weather, I’ve had no energy at all this week, thus the lack of new posts since Saturday. That and the fact that my brain has been mush and I just haven’t thought of anything to write about.
I finally made myself sit down and start writing last night. I didn’t get much accomplished other than dowloading a pdf of the 1662 version of the Anglican Church’s Book of Common Prayer, which is what my characters in the Ransome series would be most familiar with (I’m pretty sure that would be the correct version. I haven’t found anything more updated by 1814). That version of the BCP is public domain, meaning I can quote from it without running into copyright issues (of course I’m citing the reference!).
A lot of what’s in the BCP is taken directly from the Bible – psalms to use for morning prayers or for prayers of thanksgiving – but many of the passages I want to use are the prayers. The reason I was looking for it last night was to find a prayer for the sick/injured for my heroine’s father to use. To develop William as the spiritual leader he becomes as an adult, I want him to learn it from Julia’s father. I also need Julia to see her father’s deep, genuine love for God. But I want to keep it true to the era, and he would have been raised in the Anglican tradition, being as or more familiar with the BCP as the Bible.
Here’s where I’m torn, though. I love the language from the BCP – the formality as well as the poetry of the prayers. But is it going to be a problem for a publisher that I have my characters quoting prayers written by others rather than my making up words for them to say? There is comfort in repeating prayers we’ve memorized — the Lord’s prayer or “Now I lay me down to sleep…” — and it’s the comfort in his religious training that I want to show for Capt. Witherington now and William later. It’s through their lives that I plan to show how real the relationship with God is — that they’re not just quoting the BCP, that they’ve taken the catechism and creeds to heart.
I think I’m analyzing this too much. As I’ve been encouraging others recently — I just need to write the story and worry about what my targeted publisher will think about it later!
A Long Time Coming
The feature article in the January 25, 2006 ChristianSinglesToday.com newsletter is about things that well-meaning friends or family members say to singles that make us uncomfortable or even resentful. We know that our married friends and family only want us to find happiness, but does it follow that one must be married to be happy? Don’t get me wrong, I desire to be married, but is it so bad to enjoy my singleness in the meantime?
I guess what set me off thinking about this is overhearing one side of a phone conversation at work this week. The young woman who sits in the cubicle beside mine got engaged a couple of weeks ago. Which, considering she already lives with her boyfriend is probably a good thing. I’ve met the boyfriend, and believe me when I say I’m totally not jealous that she got engaged to him. What rankles me is her saying to everyone, “Yeah, it’s been a long time coming.” The girl just turned TWENTY FOUR years old! She’s nearly eleven years younger than me. What does she know about a long time coming? She’s been dating this guy for a couple of years. I haven’t had a guy ask me out in the entirety of my nearly thirty-five years of life!
When I set aside my knee-jerk reaction (okay, no I don’t like this person very much to begin with, either, which is the other reason why I have such a strong reaction to what she says) and analyze why I reacted so strongly to this comment it just comes down to being tired of waiting. I don’t feel like I’m one of those people who has put my life on hold while waiting for the perfect man to come along and sweep me off my feet. I’ve made a life for myself in Nashville. I’ve taken the opportunity to return to school and complete and continue my higher education. As I look at the possibility of changing careers within the next six to nine months, I’m more concerned about staying or moving where I’ll be close to my parents who are getting ready to retire than about where I’m likely to meet “Mr. Right” (or Mr. Smith or Mr. Jones…).
I guess this is why I write romance in exclusion to anything else. Because I do so desire to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me in return. I have been in love once in my life, when I was 20, with the very handsome and charming 3rd string quarterback who will always hold a special place in my heart. We spent a considerable amount of time together and everyone thought we were dating, but unfortunately, I was only his “bud.” The funny thing was, even though I was writing thinly-veiled fiction about me and all of my friends at college at the time, I didn’t even write my fictional self getting together with him. I wrote about me finding someone else even more perfect. All the same, when he eventually moved away to play football at a smaller school, I was heartbroken for a long time.
While waiting to fly home from Dallas at Christmas, I wrote out my “Prayer for the New Year” which includes asking God to bring my future husband into my life this year. I know if it’s not His will, it won’t happen, but I also know that He wants us to pray specifically. Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m going to rush out and try to hook-up with the first single Christian guy I meet. But it does mean that I’ll be focusing on things about myself that need to be addressed before I’ll make a good wife, such as leading an active, healthy lifestyle, becoming a better housekeeper, getting my finances straightened out, and becoming a whole person in Jesus so that I’m not depending on a fallible human man to make me feel complete.
Then, when I finally do fall in love and get engaged, I’ll be able to say “it’s been a long time coming” and it’ll actually mean something!
They say exercise is good for you
In an effort to be more healthy this year, I’ve started going back to the YMCA this week (tried last week, but just too much stuff going on). Rather than just swimming, this week, I’ve gone downstairs and walked on the treadmill for at least one mile (about 20 minutes) before hitting the pool. While walking, I have my CD player and have been listening to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on CD, simply because I don’t have a lot of books on CD and it seemed like the one most likely to keep my interest without worrying about losing my place when I stop.
Yesterday, when I got into the pool, I tried to focus my thoughts on the comments I’ve received on how to make Happy Endings, Inc. a stronger book, especially the issue of introducing a character in Chapter One who never shows up again.
I swam up and down the length of the pool, with only the white-noise of other people swimming surrounding me, regulating my breathing, relaxing into the pattern of strokes and kicks. What could I do to explore Anne’s personality without introducing an unnecessary character?
What if I…
Or what if…
Or—Yeah, that might work!
I think at one point, when I stopped after reaching the end of the pool and stood there with my hands pressed to my mouth for a few moments, the lifeguard got a little worried, because he stopped his laps (walking around the perimeter of the pool) and headed toward me. I then spent the next fifteen minutes working it all out in my head as I did my cool down laps and then my “walking through water” laps before heading for the showers.
I haven’t committed it to paper yet, but I’m pretty sure it will work and I look forward to spending a lot of time on it this weekend!
I guess exercise really is good for you!
Why I Write
I just finished watching CSI: Miami and it reminded me that I needed to come in and post something to my blog today. Of course, I could be writing, but here I am, blogging.
The “theme” for the week of residency at school this term was remembering what inspired us to start writing in the first place. My answer was so that the voices in my head didn’t drive me mad…and because at fourteen or fifteen, I decided I was too old to be playing with Barbie dolls any more.
I remember being inspired by the books I read or TV shows/movies I watched to continue the story, or make up new storylines for characters I really liked. I guess I was writing “Fan-fic” before it was ever called “fan-fic”! Before I started writing it down, I would act it out, either by myself in the backyard where a tire-swing served as a horse, or the playhouse a castle, or with my few close friends who also liked the same movies/TV shows and were just as weird as I.
Looking back, I think that’s why I had so few friends and it was hard for me to make friends – because I lived in my own world of story and I didn’t want to try to explain to the “normal” kids I knew why I spent hours fantasizing about my favorite characters, because I had already experienced some amount of ridicule from kids at school and didn’t need any more.
As an adult, God has blessed me by surrounding me with other writers – people suffering from the same affliction I have – with whom I can not only share my stories, but talk about the inspiration for them as well as brainstorm ideas or work out problems. I’ve also come to realize that being a writer is a talent and a calling God gifted me with.
So, while I may have started writing to keep the voices in my head down to a dull roar, I keep writing in obedience to the calling God has put on my life.
Procrastinating
So it’s Saturday afternoon and I planned to spend the day writing today – making revisions on Chapter 1 and finishing Chapter 2 of Ransome’s Honor and getting started on final revisions of Happy Endings, Inc. for school. Instead, I’ve watched a couple of movies (Belles on their Toes with Jeanne Crain and Myrna Loy, and Drumline on TBS).
Here’s the weird thing – I was awake for a couple of hours after going to bed last night thinking through how to get beyond the problem of introducing a minor character in my first chapter who doesn’t show up again in the story. I have the hook line (first line) all worked out in my head. I’ve even figured out how to get around the believability problem of the “mistaken identity” of my hero that the plot hinges on.
So why don’t I want to sit down and write it?
This is something that came up in one of my classes at school the first week of January as we discussed the book On Writer’s Block by Victoria Nelson. It’s not really a true writing block, but the writer portion of myself giving in to two emotions: laziness and fear. Laziness because I know that if I sit down at the computer and start it, it’s going to be hard work and will take up a lot of time (but truly, what else important do I have to do?). And fear that even though I have it all worked out in my head, what comes out on the page may not live up to my imagination.
Where I disagree with Ms. Nelson’s conclusion in her book that if the “writing self” (or inner child which is the metaphor she chose) doesn’t want to write, I should give in to that and not force it. But I know that if I give into the “I don’t want to write” voice in my head, I’ll never get around to it. Just like a child who loves music but doesn’t want to practice on the piano, I must force myself to sit down and put fingers to keyboard and work at it until it’s the best I can make it.
Of course, it’ll have to wait until I get back from dinner and a movie with friends… Oh, and I have to make sure I go to bed early enough to be well rested for church tomorrow… then there’s lunch out after church… and the organ concert at church at 4:00…
Qualified to write?
While waiting at the dermatologist’s office yesterday, I was reading my “waiting” book – Madeleine l’Engle’s Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art. It’s a book that I bought for an undergraduate Creative Writing course several years ago and promptly set aside with all of my other writing-related books. So nice to look at on a shelf, but not usually of much use.
A couple of months ago, I pulled it out to see if I could find something to use for a devotional at the beginning of a Nashville ACFW meeting. Once I began reading it, I couldn’t put it down, even though I started in the middle of a chapter. After that month’s meeting, I never got around to taking the book out of the car. So the last few times I’ve had an appointment where I knew I’d have to wait for a while, I took the book in with me to have something to read. Each time, whatever I’ve read has spoken to me on a deep intellectual and spiritual level.
In my reading yesterday, l’Engle wrote about how the people God uses in mighty ways are those who aren’t necessarily “qualified” to do the work: Moses (middle aged murderer who stuttered), Jacob (liar and cheat), Paul (persecutor of Christians), and more. This wasn’t news to me. I have the head knowledge that God calls people to overcome their weaknesses to do great things for Him. But she went on to explain why God does this.
When we are “qualified” to do something, that means we can do it with no outside help. When we complete a task, we feel we have done it under our own power and are proud of the accomplishment. But it doesn’t push us beyond our boundaries, to move outside of our comfort zones, to grow. God calls us to do works we aren’t naturally equipped to do, not to see us fail, but so that we will turn to Him in faith, asking Him to help us with the task.
This is true when it comes to writing, whether you’re a person of faith or not. A writer doesn’t sit down with pen and paper or at the computer and immediately, on the first try, write a perfect, publication ready manuscript – not even the best story-tellers in the world. Even those renown authors like Tom Clancy and John Grisham who sold their “first” manuscripts had to struggle to sell them and then had to go through major editing processes to get the novels ready for others to read. (And I would imagine they rewrote those “first” manuscripts several times before submitting them in the first place.) They needed the help of professionals to make them the best selling authors they are today. Alone, they weren’t “qualified.”
Writing is an ongoing learning process. No one comes to writing “pre-qualified” to do it. Sure, we can always write for our own edification and the amusement of family and friends. But even if writers have no desire to be published, they will find themselves continually practicing the skill of writing and seeking out knowledge from others on the craft of writing.
As a child, I was so far from feeling qualified to write, I tried to hide the fact I did it from everyone. In my first creative writing class my senior year of high school, I received encouragement from my teacher such that I thought it might be something I could parlay into a career – if I learned enough about it. So I majored in creative writing in college. Because I didn’t go in understanding that most college creative writing programs expect Literary-style writing, I dropped out of college after three years, writing prolifically (for my own mental health) but feeling even less qualified to do it.
It wasn’t until 2001 when I attended my first Christian writing conference (Blue Ridge Mountain Christian Writers’ Conference) when I realized I didn’t have to be qualified, I just had to be obedient to the calling God had put upon my life to be a writer, then seek out the training I needed to do become more proficient.
Now, one semester away from receiving my Master of Arts in Writing Popular Fiction, do I feel like I am “qualified” to call myself an author? I have a certain skill-set that makes me a good amateur author. But if I rest on those laurels, all I will ever be qualified to call myself is an “amateur.” If I never stretch myself and reach beyond my writing comfort zone, I will never learn how to make myself a better writer. So, I will continually seek God’s guidance and mentoring from other “more qualified” authors.
Yesses and Nos
For someone like me who sees things in “black and white” instead of “shades of gray,” the ambiguities that come with every day life tend to completely stress me out. I like clear-cut answers. I like to be around people who know how to make decisions (I hate those hour-long “where do you want to go eat” discussions with friends!). I also like knowing that God has a clear-cut plan for my life. I just get stressed out when I can’t tell what that plan is.
Two weeks ago, I interviewed for a job that would have been a great “career-path” position – not a job I would have stayed in for longer than a couple of years, but it would have looked great on my resume. Main problem with it was that I would have had to move to Tullahoma, TN, about 80 miles away from the life I’ve created in Nashville over the last ten years. But for the right job…
I walked out of the first interview feeling ambivalent about it and, with an hour and a half drive to do nothing but think about it, decided that since I didn’t walk away feeling excited about the job or the company, I wouldn’t accept it. Of course, I didn’t expect them to call me that night to set up a second interview – for the next day! So I did the second interview on the phone Thursday the 5th because I was leaving to go to Greensburg, PA, for a week on the 6th. The phone interview took less than fifteen minutes. Once again, I was left with the feeling that it wasn’t really a job I’d enjoy doing.
After arriving in Greensburg, I was so distracted in getting caught up with my friends, I didn’t even check my voicemail until Saturday… when I discovered the HR rep from the company left me a message saying they wanted to “discuss a job offer” with me.
This upset me, because I had told God that I didn’t want them to offer me the job and that would be how I would know that it wasn’t the right job for me. Since He hadn’t given me a clear “Yes” or “No” answer, I prayed about it and left a message for the girl to leave the details of the job offer on my voicemail. I prayed that they wouldn’t be able to offer me the salary I’d requested.
They not only offered the salary I asked for, but included a $4,000 moving expense.
Again, not a clear “Yes” or “No” – but looking like a “Yes,” which really wasn’t the answer I wanted.
However, after praying about it all week and seeking counsel from friends and family, I had a peace about turning down the offer. So this past Saturday after getting back to Nashville, I sent the company an e-mail saying “thanks but no thanks” (gee, I’ve never been in that position before!). Relief filled me after sending it, knowing it was the right thing to do.
Clear answer: “No.”
Yesterday, they left me a message that they wanted to talk to me to see “what we can work out.” Once again, into the area of grayish ambiguity. I couldn’t say “no” when God might be telling me to say “yes.” So I sent an e-mail to them saying I might not be able to speak with them right at 10 a.m. and asking very specific questions about benefits, negotiating for more vacation time (I would be losing 9 paid vacation/personal days by taking the job), and detailing the specific days off I would need to take off due to school. I talked to my mom and to my friend Corie at length and both of them said that I had to stay open to the possibility that maybe I was supposed to do this for a year or two. I hate not knowing the right answer!
Sitting in traffic in the rain this morning on the way to work, all I could think about was how much time moving would take, from packing to househunting, over the next few months and there was no way I could do that and get everything done by deadline to receive my Master’s in June. But if they could meet all of my requests, that would be a clear “Yes” answer.
A few minutes before 10:00, heart pounding because I was almost sure the answer was going to be “Yes,” I slipped away from my desk into the supply closet so that I could speak with them when they called. When they hadn’t called by 10:10, I went back to my desk to get through the pile of work sitting there. I checked my e-mail throughout the morning and even kept my cell phone out on the desk for a while. But no call, no e-mail. I started to get nervous. A friend suggested they were working on getting everything I’d asked for approved. I’m a little more pessimistic than that.
After completing a major project for my manager, I finally got to take my lunch break around 2:45 this afternoon. I went home and checked my e-mail one more time before calling – and I wanted to have the list of questions in front of me. As soon as she picked up the phone, I knew from the tone of her voice that at least one item was going to be a problem.
I went from “Yes” to “Maybe” to a very clear-cut “No” in less than ten seconds on the phone with her. And I hung up with a light heart, even though it means I’m now back to looking for a new job.
This experience reinforced with me something that I’ve taught over and over through the years: even though we’re supposed to pray that we’re within God’s will, I believe that if we want clear-cut answers to our prayers, we are to pray specifically. The items on the list I sent to the company were prayers, in a way, because as I wrote each one of them, I knew that God would use their answers to show me what He wanted me to do. That with their answers I would have a “yes” or a “no.”
Of course, this doesn’t always work. Sometimes He still answers “Maybe.” And I think He does it sometimes just to teach me that seeing in shades of gray isn’t all bad.
KayeDacus.com 