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Well, It Finally Happened

Monday, November 8, 2010

In a reply to someone’s comment on Friday’s post, I wrote:

I figured I’d lose it as soon as I got home or as soon as I talked to my mom, but I still haven’t—not a single tear. I don’t know if it’s some kind of delayed shock and I’ll loose it as soon as I see my parents (Dad’s coming tomorrow), but I’m actually more concerned about my lack of emotional response to this than what I’m going to have to go through in the next week or so.

Well, the dam broke Sunday night after I got to my parents’ house. I spent about an hour in tears, with my mom just sitting with me listening as I cried about how I could have lain there on the ground for hours without anyone missing me or realizing anything had happened to me. About how I don’t want to be this person who’s so alone in her life as a single that she has to depend on her sixtysomething parents to come bring her home with them to be taken care of. About how I don’t want to be this person under the constant stress of deadlines, whose career depends on the continual and constant approval of others. About how I don’t understand why my life seems to be getting worse year after year instead of better (even though I know it’ll never be easier, isn’t it supposed to get better as the years go by instead of worse?). About how much I hate not knowing from month to month if I’m going to be able to pay rent and utilities, much less have the luxury of being able to go to the grocery store or put gas in the car. About how this injury coming on top of one of the most difficult eleven months I’ve ever had in my life just doesn’t seem to be fitting in with the grand scheme of things. About how I don’t want to be gone from my normal life for two months. About how I’m tired of having to ask for help. About how much I hate not being able to do things for myself. About how frustrated I am at not being able to get around on my own. About how tired I am of being sore and in pain (more from the overworked muscles compensating for the injury than the actual injury itself).

Then again, I said, it could be worse. I could still work at the newspaper (a job I hated, where I worked when I had a ruptured disc in my lower back and lived in constant excruciating pain—yet still had to go in to the office every day and be the person responsible for the positive morale of the office full of people who didn’t want to be there any more than I did).

I could still be struggling to try to get published while working full time and not understanding why I couldn’t seem to get ahead.

It could be much worse—I could be someone who’s totally and completely alone and doesn’t have anyone, much less loving parents, who are willing to drop everything to come help me out in a crisis like this.

And it could be even worse than that—I could have had this happen on top of all of the other stress and struggles and strife I’ve had this year and not have the hope that somehow God will redeem this situation and bring me out a better and stronger (though even poorer?) person next year.

And then a quotation that I found when I was compiling the Little Whispers of Comfort for Busy Women book last year came to mind:

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” ~Mother Teresa

I’ll be calling the orthopedic surgeon’s office first thing Monday morning to find out if they’ve received the files from the ER in Nashville and when they can get me in to have an MRI and get surgery scheduled (though I am praying really hard that a miracle will happen and they’ll say I don’t need surgery). Most of all, I’m looking forward to getting in to see them and getting this temporary cast/splint off. There are several places where it’s rubbing on my calf/ankle that could quite possibly drive me insane if I have to face living with it on much longer!

I’ll update here and on Twitter and Facebook as much as possible as I learn anything more (though I do have an editing project I need to bury myself in tomorrow, so I need to limit my time online).

Update, Monday 10:15 a.m.
I just got a call from the orthopedist’s office. They received the records from the Nashville ER on Friday, she gave them to the doctor, who is reviewing them. As soon as she hears back from the doctor as to how soon he needs to see me, she’ll call back and set up the appointment.

Update, Monday 2:45 p.m.
The gal from the doctor’s office called back a little while ago. The doctor reviewed the file/X-rays from the ER and I’m scheduled to go in at 11:20 on Thursday for my initial appointment. I’ve had quite a bit of pain this afternoon—both in the joint between the ankle and the foot (right where it was dislocated) and the nerve-endings at the surface all seem to be having a grand old time misfiring and making the skin feel like it’s on fire. So I’m not getting much done, as that makes it hard to concentrate, so I’m trying to rest as much as possible (with construction noise going on around me—my parents are having a new sunroom built onto the back of the house). So, until Thursday, I won’t know anything more about surgery.

  1. Monday, November 8, 2010 1:30 am

    I’ve used that Mother Theresa quote a lot. Just recently I heard someone suggest to opposite: that God will, for purpose, send us more than we can bear: in order to increase our dependence on him.

    I praise God you have your parents for physical support, and this blog for digital hugs.

    Peace to you.
    –Amy Jane


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 9:47 am

      As I told someone in an e-mail yesterday, I know that years from now, I’ll look back on this with the clarity of hindsight and see exactly how God used this situation in my life as a crucible for change. It’s just hard, as it always is, to see and understand the whys and wherefores when we’re in the middle of it. So I just hang on to that hope that one day I’ll understand.

      Actually, it reminds me of the old hymn:
      Trials dark on every hand,
      and we cannot understand
      all the ways of God would lead us
      to that blessed promised land;
      but he guides us with his eye,
      and we’ll follow till we die,
      for we’ll understand it better by and by.

      By and by, when the morning comes,
      when the saints of God are gathered home,
      we’ll tell the story how we’ve overcome,
      for we’ll understand it better by and by.


  2. Monday, November 8, 2010 2:12 am

    Kaye, I’m really sorry to hear what a difficult time you’re going through. It’s about time that dam burst! It’s OK. It’s good to vent. Get all that negativity out. Even though you’ve voiced your concerns and complaints you know how anxiety always takes us to the extremes and are not an accurate picture of things. It’s good that you’re looking at the positive things now. God never wastes our sorrows and we are just going to trust that He’s going to continue to provide, care for, and heal you. You still always manage to bless our socks off!

    Many hugs from Maine,
    Love & Blessings,


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 9:53 am

      There was definitely a lot of anxiety, stress, and negativity that needed to come out, and the fall/injury was just the tipping point. It’s been a difficult year, but I’ve been ignoring the stress, pretending like it doesn’t bother me that I’ve missed deadlines or have had to pull more all-nighters this year than I did in my last year as a full-time college student almost twenty years ago.

      One thing this will definitely give me time to do is to plan ahead for the year to come and figure out exactly what direction I want my career to go.


  3. Monday, November 8, 2010 5:12 am

    I’m one of those happy-to-be-independent types too, happy to depend only on me and God. And I’ve had those thoughts of ‘what if’. I’ve been thinking of you over the weekend. I do know that God does bring better things out these kind of circumstances. And I know you know it too. Doesn’t make it complete joy though when you’re at the bottom of it and the ‘walk back to normal’ is all uphill. You will have a huge number of people praying you through this though, so I hope the peace of God soaks into all you do this week and over the period of healing to come. I so appreciate your willingness to share the ‘break-down’ moment. A little empathy feels like a raging river washing over you, doesn’t it?


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 9:58 am

      I seriously considered either not blogging or just writing a general “everything’s fine” kind of post today. But when I think about the posts I’ve read on others’ blogs when they’re going through something difficult and how those have sometimes been exactly what I needed to see—to be reminded that I’m not alone in struggling with certain problems/issues—I knew I couldn’t be anything but 100 percent transparent here.

      I know there will be people ahead of me on that uphill climb to return to normal who will be standing there waiting to take my hand and help me up in the rough patches—so hopefully by sharing from my heart through this process, I can do the same for someone else.


  4. Robin in NC permalink
    Monday, November 8, 2010 5:51 am

    Oh, Kaye, I’m so sorry! Everything that comes to mind sounds so cliche’! So I’ll just ramble a bit. 😉
    My brother & sister-in-law went to Trevecca & my niece currently is a junior there! She’s definitely ready for Thanksgiving break! Let your folks look after you, because in about 20 years, you’ll be looking after them. (I guess I’d better quit trying to cheer you up, huh?)
    Hang in there…He’s not done with you yet, Kiddo! Know you’re in my prayers, as well of thousands of others & it just don’t get any better than that!
    In His grip,
    Robin Weiss


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:02 am

      “He’s not done with you yet…”

      Yeah, but sometimes I wish He’d forget about me a little bit. 😉

      And believe me, there probably isn’t a cliché or a platitude that hasn’t already gone through my mind in the last four days to try to make myself suck it up and be a “big girl” about this—and pretend like it doesn’t scare me or bother me or hurt me or worry me. But then I remind myself that I’ll never grow, I’ll never learn what I need to learn from this experience, if I just slap a veneer on it and live a pretense.


      • Monday, November 8, 2010 1:07 pm

        This reminds me of a quote from Fiddler on the Roof that I like. Tevye and his family are being driven from their home because they’re Jewish. Tevye talks to God and says basically, “Lord, I know we’re your chosen people. But once in a while, couldn’t you choose someone else?”

        Sending prayers your way!


  5. Patty Hall permalink
    Monday, November 8, 2010 6:30 am

    Aww sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time right now but I’m trusting that something FANTASTIC will come out of this, that God will bless your blesser more abundantly in the days to come.

    Years ago, when I was dealing with crippling pain from nerve damage in my legs and had basicly become disabled, I wondered why God would allow this to happen. I mean, I was following His plan, living the life He had laid out for me–so why would He leave me in unbearable pain? I stayed angry at Him for allowing it to happen until one day, while whining about it, someone turned to me and said, “Why wouldn’t God allow this to happen to you? He never promised an easy time of it.”

    Changed my way of thinking–now, some twenty years later, I can see the path God was clearing for me then, one I never would have taken if I hadn’t been made to ‘sit still’ for a while. So I have faith that God is doing an unbelieveable work in you, my friend, one that’s going to sit you on your ear with it’s greatness.

    I’m praying for you–if you need me, I’m just down the road a ways.


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:08 am

      This brings to mind another quote I like:

      “We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, ‘Why did this happen to me?’ unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.” ~Author Unknown

      It’s so easy to blame God for the bad things and forget to thank Him for the good things that happen in our lives, when it’s not God’s way to *make* bad things happen to us. Which reminds me of another quote:

      “ ‘Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?’ ” (Luke 11:11-13, NASB)


  6. Jackie permalink
    Monday, November 8, 2010 6:55 am

    I am so sorry, Kaye……been praying for you all weekend and will continue to do so. The ladies before me have written such beautiful words so just soak them in and lean on Him!


  7. Monday, November 8, 2010 7:05 am

    Praying for you Kaye! Get some rest girly. 🙂


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:13 am

      I’m pretty sure that episode last night was pretty cleansing—I slept more soundly last night than I have since this happened. Now I’m just anxiously awaiting getting a call back from the doctor’s office to find out when they can see me.


  8. Monday, November 8, 2010 7:09 am

    Kaye, with all your pals praying for you, you can look for something positive to come out of all this situation. Again, I’m so sorry that you’re having to endure both the physical pain and the mental frustration. BUT I will keep praying too. I promise.


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:16 am

      If nothing else, it’s shown me that I’m definitely not as alone as I think I am!


  9. Monday, November 8, 2010 7:10 am

    I’m so sorry Kaye. Sometimes life deals us stuff that just stinks and it always seems to come at the same time to make you feel overwhelmed. You have every right to lose it! I’m glad you have parents who can take care of you and you can lean on. I am praying for you!


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:17 am

      Sometimes an emotional outburst is just what’s needed to clear everything out and be able to focus better on the other side of it. It definitely feels that way this morning!


  10. Monday, November 8, 2010 8:01 am

    I just emailed you. Don’t even know where to start, really, except I just hate that you’re having to deal with all of this. Doesn’t make it any easier to know that God will bring something good out of a situation when one is in the middle of the muck. *sigh* Praying for you & hoping that everything goes well today!


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:18 am

      While I’m glad to be with my parents so that I don’t have to try to rely on myself to do things, I do wish that I could still be in Nashville so that I can be around my family AND friends throughout this time!


  11. Monday, November 8, 2010 9:05 am

    Kaye, I appreciate your honesty so much and struggle with many of the same issues (minus the broken bones, at least presently). Thanks for being so transparent as it helps in my prayers for you. Will expect the Lord to bless you in unexpected ways in the coming days and weeks!


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:19 am

      Thanks, Laura!

      I hope you had a wonderful time on your writers’ retreat last week!


  12. Monday, November 8, 2010 9:20 am

    I was one of your ACFW online course students. Being new to writing, I forget how tough it can be making a living at it as I have a husband who supports me financially and physically. Maybe this surgery will allow you to cross paths with the special man God has for you. Hey, I’m the hopeless romantic and if you lived near me I’d be matchmaking too.
    I no longer have my parents, so enjoy yours while you have the time with them. I’ve recently become published by writing freelance articles for the local newspaper. I wasn’t doing it for the pay, but I quickly realized working for for 20 hours on a story that pays 35.00 will not hardly support my dog’s living expenses. I haven’t comprehended what income a book brings, but you are good writer and definitely should continue. Thanks for sharing your struggles so I know how to pray for you and showing that you’re just like rest of us with pains, hurts and dependent on God.


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:22 am

      Oh, don’t worry, it’s totally crossed my mind that there could be a reason why God has brought me out of Nashville—which could have something to do with meeting a special someone. Of course, he’d have to be willing to relocate to Middle Tennessee!

      And I’m already on the lookout for new story ideas and characters as I go through this.

      Yes, it is very hard to make a decent (above poverty-level) living from writing. But God never promised us that what He called us to do would be easy or bring us riches.


  13. Monday, November 8, 2010 9:22 am

    Thank you for sharing your heart and true feelings with your readers, Kaye. And I, along with many others, am praying for you! ~ You’ve been through so much, but rest assured the Lord WILL use this for good! It’s such a blessing you still have your parents (I miss mine sooo much–we were super close and I was their “baby”). ~ On a personal note, as I was recuperating from my 4 spinal surgeries during the summer, the month of August was AWFUL….physically and emotionally. I felt as though Niagara Falls was behind my eyes and went through countless boxes of Kleenex from all the tears. Looking back (only 2 months later) I’m already seeing how that time made me stronger, and I know the Lord will allow me to use what I’ve been through to help others. ~ Continued prayers for you! Sending a hug from Georgia, Patti Jo


    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:25 am

      I went through a lot of that before I had my back surgery in 2003—I was blessed, though, that in my case, within a week of the surgery I felt so much better that my only emotion to deal with then was wondering why I’d waited so long to have surgery.

      I’m definitely worried about facing surgery this time, even though I know it won’t be nearly as difficult or dangerous as the spinal surgery (or even as the Lasik surgery I had five years ago). And I know I’ll feel better afterward. But for some reason, and it may stem more from the financial aspect than anything else, I’m really worried about facing surgery within the next week or so.


  14. Monday, November 8, 2010 10:15 am

    Aw, Kaye, so sorry to hear about your ankle and the emotional frustrations it brought with it.

    *sending you healing vibes and thinking of you*



    • Monday, November 8, 2010 10:26 am

      Hi, Heidi!

      Thanks for the vibes—I’m feeling the positivity flowing my way this morning. (Now if I could just turn that into energy to work on the editing project that’s due today . . .)


  15. Kav permalink
    Monday, November 8, 2010 10:46 am

    Sounds like you really needed the release — and what you got it when you reached a safe place. So I’m throwing prayers up in thanksgiving for your supportive parents and more prayers for your healing and ability to figure out the best way to use all of these for good!


  16. Monday, November 8, 2010 12:22 pm

    Kaye, you will never be alone as long as you live near Amy & I. We’re just a phone call or twitter message away if you need anything.


  17. Monday, November 8, 2010 1:44 pm

    Kaye, I’m glad you had your breakdown while you were at your parents’ house instead of at home, alone. I’ve thought about you all weekend, too. And you know, I agree with the others. It’s never best to hide behind an “I’m OK” post when you’re NOT. God uses your writing whether published or blogging. Believe me. You may never know how much you’ve blessed someone today. As for finances, I’m working on getting my husband to spend more time trusting, and less time worrying about money, so I know it’s not easy. Just know that God is in control.

    And as for the student who stayed by your side after the accident? My first thought was, “Why couldn’t it have been an extremely good-looking professor who believes God will drop the girl of his dreams from the sky?” And there you’d be. 🙂

    Love you, Kaye.


  18. Monday, November 8, 2010 3:25 pm

    Well, yay for getting an appt time! I was really hoping that magically, miraculously they would somehow see you this afternoon or tomorrow at the latest, but at least there is a set time now. Hang in there!


  19. Monday, November 8, 2010 5:32 pm

    Hi Kaye, I will say another prayer for this appt. on Thursday to go well, and for you to feel God’s arms around you holding you up. Wish I could give you a hug in person! But for now, a cyber-hug will have to suffice. (( )) love, rose


  20. Monday, November 8, 2010 6:31 pm

    I thought of Psalm 56:8 for you.

    8 You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn
    through the sleepless nights,
    Each tear entered in your ledger,
    each ache written in your book.

    He knows and He cares. He loves you so. He hates that you are hurting. While we aren’t promised a rosy, ideal life, He cares what happens to us. Somehow, He will see you through.

    You are so blessed to have parents that can help you out. I’m praying for swift healing and productivity. (((hugs)))


  21. Monday, November 8, 2010 8:50 pm

    I’ll be praying Kaye. I’ve been thinking about you today even though I’m late getting to post here. Get rest, and God will sort out everything like He does. Love, Lori


  22. Tammy Johnson permalink
    Monday, November 8, 2010 9:07 pm

    Kaye – Today’s blog reminded me of all the times I have felt the same as you did. You and I are very close in age and alike in being single, so I really get what you are saying. Satan does all he can to bring us down, yet God is the One who is Sovereign and is directing our paths. Below is a poem I wrote a few years ago. Don’t remember the circumstances of the time, but it was one of those times I needed to cling to the Truth and be reminded of it.

    Lord, I Do Not Know

    Lord, I do not know where you are leading.
    I cannot see where the trail ends.
    But at this moment, I am for sure –
    That Your hand is guiding each step
    You have a plan, not foreseen by man.
    One that will better all involved.
    Pain will come, but not without comfort.
    You have promised Your presence.
    Lord, I will cling to Your Word.
    Help me to not forget Your deeds,
    As You continue to work within me.


  23. Monday, November 8, 2010 9:40 pm

    Kaye, tears are okay. We all cry sometime. Jesus wept.

    We’re all praying for you. You’ll come through this and eventually you’ll what God has for you coming out of this period in your life. Right now, praying for healing and for peace in this situation. Love you.


  24. Tuesday, November 9, 2010 6:38 am

    Kaye ~

    Praying for you. I’m so sorry!!



  25. Tuesday, November 9, 2010 8:27 am

    You are an amazing woman, Kaye, and more of us love you than you will ever dream. Praying that God intervenes and makes some amazing miracles out of this. There are plenty of little minions running around who will be happy to help out in any way possible. 🙂


  26. Lori L. permalink
    Tuesday, November 9, 2010 3:09 pm

    Hey Kaye,

    I’m a little behind here, but I just happened to go to your blog today. I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through! I hope you felt some relief after venting. I know it had to be good for you b/c it’s not good to keep it all in, plus we all know what you’re going through and can pray for you.

    I hope things go well with the surgery and you have a speedy recovery. I’ll be thinking about you!



  27. Lyndie Blevins permalink
    Wednesday, November 10, 2010 6:25 pm

    Dear Kaye, My heart broke for you when I read your post. I’m at the CLASS Christian Writers Conference, so I haven’t had the time to write before this. I went to church with your parents when they were in Dallas, but I found your blog through writing connections. Then I saw your Mom comment on facebook and found the connection. Being a never been married person myself, I know the agony you were feeling. I know you know what I am about to type, but it is worth repeating, you are in God’s hands and he will not leave you unattended. I hope you have good news Thursday and your healing continues. I do admire your courage to write for a living. I’ve waited until I was retired. Best Wishes.


  28. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 6:51 pm

    Just checking in to see if you had news. Lots of prayers coming your way and you know at least some grimaces at your pain. Horrid!
    Here’s a quote that never helps but gets used a lot — someday you’ll look back on this and laugh.
    Yeah, right.

    But I do believe you’ll see something amazing come out of it. God is so good like that, isn’t He?


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