For someone like me who sees things in “black and white” instead of “shades of gray,” the ambiguities that come with every day life tend to completely stress me out. I like clear-cut answers. I like to be around people who know how to make decisions (I hate those hour-long “where do you want to go eat” discussions with friends!). I also like knowing that God has a clear-cut plan for my life. I just get stressed out when I can’t tell what that plan is.

Two weeks ago, I interviewed for a job that would have been a great “career-path” position – not a job I would have stayed in for longer than a couple of years, but it would have looked great on my resume. Main problem with it was that I would have had to move to Tullahoma, TN, about 80 miles away from the life I’ve created in Nashville over the last ten years. But for the right job…

I walked out of the first interview feeling ambivalent about it and, with an hour and a half drive to do nothing but think about it, decided that since I didn’t walk away feeling excited about the job or the company, I wouldn’t accept it. Of course, I didn’t expect them to call me that night to set up a second interview – for the next day! So I did the second interview on the phone Thursday the 5th because I was leaving to go to Greensburg, PA, for a week on the 6th. The phone interview took less than fifteen minutes. Once again, I was left with the feeling that it wasn’t really a job I’d enjoy doing.

After arriving in Greensburg, I was so distracted in getting caught up with my friends, I didn’t even check my voicemail until Saturday… when I discovered the HR rep from the company left me a message saying they wanted to “discuss a job offer” with me.

This upset me, because I had told God that I didn’t want them to offer me the job and that would be how I would know that it wasn’t the right job for me. Since He hadn’t given me a clear “Yes” or “No” answer, I prayed about it and left a message for the girl to leave the details of the job offer on my voicemail. I prayed that they wouldn’t be able to offer me the salary I’d requested.

They not only offered the salary I asked for, but included a $4,000 moving expense.

Again, not a clear “Yes” or “No” – but looking like a “Yes,” which really wasn’t the answer I wanted.

However, after praying about it all week and seeking counsel from friends and family, I had a peace about turning down the offer. So this past Saturday after getting back to Nashville, I sent the company an e-mail saying “thanks but no thanks” (gee, I’ve never been in that position before!). Relief filled me after sending it, knowing it was the right thing to do.

Clear answer: “No.”

Yesterday, they left me a message that they wanted to talk to me to see “what we can work out.” Once again, into the area of grayish ambiguity. I couldn’t say “no” when God might be telling me to say “yes.” So I sent an e-mail to them saying I might not be able to speak with them right at 10 a.m. and asking very specific questions about benefits, negotiating for more vacation time (I would be losing 9 paid vacation/personal days by taking the job), and detailing the specific days off I would need to take off due to school. I talked to my mom and to my friend Corie at length and both of them said that I had to stay open to the possibility that maybe I was supposed to do this for a year or two. I hate not knowing the right answer!

Sitting in traffic in the rain this morning on the way to work, all I could think about was how much time moving would take, from packing to househunting, over the next few months and there was no way I could do that and get everything done by deadline to receive my Master’s in June. But if they could meet all of my requests, that would be a clear “Yes” answer.

A few minutes before 10:00, heart pounding because I was almost sure the answer was going to be “Yes,” I slipped away from my desk into the supply closet so that I could speak with them when they called. When they hadn’t called by 10:10, I went back to my desk to get through the pile of work sitting there. I checked my e-mail throughout the morning and even kept my cell phone out on the desk for a while. But no call, no e-mail. I started to get nervous. A friend suggested they were working on getting everything I’d asked for approved. I’m a little more pessimistic than that.

After completing a major project for my manager, I finally got to take my lunch break around 2:45 this afternoon. I went home and checked my e-mail one more time before calling – and I wanted to have the list of questions in front of me. As soon as she picked up the phone, I knew from the tone of her voice that at least one item was going to be a problem.

I went from “Yes” to “Maybe” to a very clear-cut “No” in less than ten seconds on the phone with her. And I hung up with a light heart, even though it means I’m now back to looking for a new job.

This experience reinforced with me something that I’ve taught over and over through the years: even though we’re supposed to pray that we’re within God’s will, I believe that if we want clear-cut answers to our prayers, we are to pray specifically. The items on the list I sent to the company were prayers, in a way, because as I wrote each one of them, I knew that God would use their answers to show me what He wanted me to do. That with their answers I would have a “yes” or a “no.”

Of course, this doesn’t always work. Sometimes He still answers “Maybe.” And I think He does it sometimes just to teach me that seeing in shades of gray isn’t all bad.